Scrolling through the years

The way things go -

Hello.

Here’s a picture of the wild old wisteria and a damask rose from my garden to say thank you so much for subscribing to Finding The Love. x

Last week was Silver Scrolls week, and I am a bit behind in sending you this story, but I wanted to get it right and find the right way to tell it. It is a story about songs, winning and not winning, and that genius songwriter, Martin Phillipps.

I have been a judge for the Silver Scrolls in the past, trying to help “cull” (ouch!) the hundreds of entries down to a list of twenty songs so APRA members can vote for the top five and find the ultimate winner.

It is no easy task. After listening to all the entries and putting together your shortlist, there are heated and intense discussions around a table about the song’s merits and who deserves to win it. It’s tough, sometimes emotional, and often heated. The powers of persuasion come into play, and sometimes, to help make the decision, there is a bit of box-ticking.

Everyone around that table believes the song they are backing is THE best, and they also know how it feels not to make the final list, to get through but not win, all those things. To enter a song you believe in, and perhaps you have for this one, put your whole being into it, only for it not to get through. It’s a competition, an uncomfortable place for art and self-expression to sit.

If I put a song forward for funding applications, or the Silver Scrolls, etc., my thoughts are, “Might as well. What can it hurt? It doesn’t matter. Give it a go.”

God! But when the email comes through: “Please take heart in the fact that this year the entries were of an incredibly high standard”— that statement never helps; it only makes you feel WORSE! — because, of course, we all think our song is of an incredibly high standard. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have submitted it. It is just that not everyone can win or even get a look in. Or maybe people just don’t get it. Or perhaps that’s just me; I am too damn sensitive. I’m less inclined to make applications these days.

Regardless, the awards evening is always fun, a brilliant celebration of who we are and our unique culture. It is a chance to catch up with friends, make some new ones, have a bit of a laugh, and celebrate what we do.

…………..

The awards show this year was so well put together - great production and song interpretations. It was a new format of theatre sitting to watch the show. Big warm congratulations to the talented Anna Coddington and her co-writers Noema Te Hau III, Ruth Smith and Kawiti Waetford for 'Kātuarehe' for winning the scroll.

Towards the end of the evening, Anthonie Tonnon performed a touching version of the song Submarine Bells as the names of those in our industry who have left us in the last couple of years flashed on the screen in a sad roll call.

His voice and synths suited the song and situation perfectly. It was a majestic and fitting performance.

For the last song of the night, all the performers gathered on the stage to sing a smiley, happy version of Heavenly Pop Hit to wrap up the show and send us on our way. I understand it was another nod to Martin Phillipps,

but I may have winced a bit…..

A scrolls story

I’ve only been a finalist for the APRA Silver Scrolls twice. One not strictly for the Silver Scroll Award - was my song So Alive, a finalist for the APRA Best Country Song Award in 2010.

Before that, my song Something Good was nominated for the Silver Scroll award.

 Something Good received a lot of airplay and charted in New Zealand for several weeks The recording was self-funded but was released through Warners.

I thought it was an okay pop song but didn’t think it was the best song I had ever written, and I knew it wouldn’t be the best song I would ever write. Writing for radio is a thing (I don’t think that way now, as there isn’t much likelihood of me getting radio play), and it isn’t always the song you love the most. It’s a lucky thing when it is. The aim is to retain some individuality yet make it “commercial”. I released it because I thought it was a fun song, and it might get radio play and pave the way for the other ones I liked more. In that way, it was a success, and I was happy to be a finalist.

At that time, I felt as though I had strayed off course and found myself in a band that was loved and known and was a hugely popular covers band. I learned a lot about performance and bringing joy in that band, but still, I had this weird sense of guilt because we were a show band doing so well, and we were not playing original music. Being in that world of general entertainment was such a different thing, and it wasn’t where I thought I should be.

I don’t recall everything about the awards night - I know it was held at the Powerstation, but the memory has stayed shimmering as a feeling rather than precise detail, and I remember these things:

It’s 1990

I’m a skinny whippet — I was built that way. Shy yet strangely bold, my constant friend anxiety is my partner for the evening as I arrive at the Silver Scrolls gathering as a finalist.

Your twenties are a time for making mistakes and trying to make sense of them. I was in the middle of all that foundation-shaking mistake-making, and these are the things I carry with me when I walk into the room.

Ray Columbus introduced me to Martin Phillipps - we had been placed together at the same table. I loved The Chills. The songs conveyed such a sense of wonder - were unique and magical, and I was 100% sure Martin was about to win the Silver Scroll for Heavenly Pop Hit. I didn’t for a minute think that the award would be mine.

At that time, there was a certain attitude between cool bands from Dunedin and the more “commercial” musicians from the north (that was my perception anyway). I was expecting a little frosty (!) attitude from Martin, so I was nervous.

I didn’t need to worry. Martin seemed pleased to meet me. We talked about music and laughed a lot. He said he liked my songs from my first band, Everything That Flies, and we talked about his London experiences and recording Submarine Bells. I can’t remember too much else - just that it was a fun night, but I remember feeling so surprised when the winner was announced, and it wasn’t Martin for Heavenly Pop Hit.

Here’s a picture of us finalists and other industry dudes :) (including Ray Columbus in shades) with winner Guy Wishart for his song “Don’t Take Me For Granted.”

Photo courtesy of APRA.

I’m not taking anything away from Guy here; it is just that I was sure that Heavenly Pop Hit would be the winning song. But that is the way these things go. Submarine Bells the album and Heavenly Pop Hit received awards at the New Zealand Music Awards, but many people seem to think Martin won the scroll that year.

To acknowledge the Silver Scrolls awards this year Chris Bourke wrote a piece for Audioculture with the headline:

APRA Silver Scroll: Heavenly Pop Hits - fifty years of Silver Scrolls I messaged him to say - hey Chris, great headline, but Heavenly Pop Hit didn’t win the a Silver Scroll.. he said “oh no! Great headline, crap history”….

24 years later - 34 years later, and the way things go

In 2014, I heard Martin interviewed on RNZ. I could relate to a lot of the experiences he talked about - shitty business things had happened to us both in those years after we met in 1990. I messaged him to tell him what a good interview it was.

I thanked him for articulating the struggle so well. And to say sorry about it all.

I was happy he messaged back to say thanks and then said:

 “I still remember talking with you at the Silver Scrolls the year I was nominated for 'Submarine Bells'- (I should have won it :)

It's a bit strange because anytime I turn up at the Silver Scrolls now, they want a photo of me as a "past winner",…….. which is obviously not fun for me or fair on Guy, who did win that year.)

When you and I were introduced back then, Ray Columbus tried to link us up, at least on a musical level. It was kind of sweet, really.”

He went on to say he said he wished he had seen my band, The Julie Dolphin, in London, but it never worked out that we were in the same place at the same time, so that never happened.

Over the years we kept in touch via messenger, often having random chats about random things at random hours. In those days/nights of difficult sleep, Martin was often awake and online so it wouldn’t be unusual to get an “are you awake?” message at 3.30 a.m.

It was always nice to get a hello from him.

In 2019, after watching the documentary The Chills: The Triumph & Tragedy of Martin Phillipps at the Auckland premier it really hit home to me that year we met was a turning point in my life and a huge one for Martin. I went to the UK after that and formed The Julie Dolphin. Martin carried on to record Soft Bomb, and it was then his life took a turn in another direction.

That pressure - to be the songwriter - in a band, everything is resting on you and your next songs, and vision - having a record company investing in you, the all eyes on you, the pressure you put on yourself to be better and crack it this time - and the pressure of keeping a band together and making them feel a part of it - navigating personalities, and making sure they know their worth, personally and financially - Who was built for that?

………

We touched on that a little in our messaging, but not too much. Usually it was funny gifs, and talk about cars, calamities and guitars - anything really.

He talked about his current band, how much he valued them, and was proud to say they had stayed with him for over ten years.

In September 2023 Martin messaged to say the band is just about to start recording a double album of early unrecorded Chills songs and he was asking special guests to perform on the album. I was so blown away to be asked, so of course I said yes.

There were more messages after that, saying things had stalled a little, messages about jaundice, hospital visits. There were more messages about illness and hospital visits and the Dr telling him he should tell people things he needed to say and that he should sort his affairs out.

Martin wasn’t there when I eventually visited Tom Healy’s studio in Auckland to sing on a couple of the songs. He was unwell and couldn’t make the trip up to Auckland.

Those songs are so good, incredible to think they were just lying around as unrecorded early songs. Magical Martin songs. It felt a little too real when I was singing over and over on the chorus of a song called I Don’t Want to Live Forever - such a joyous celebration of a song.. truly.

I saw him briefly after that at the Lab studios, we didn’t ever get to catch up for the cuppa and heart to heart he had said he wanted.

On the 28th of July this year I was at the Hollywood Cinema in Avondale watching a screening of The Shining. After that full on wide-screen experience, my senses elevated and a little jumpy, I walked to my car and as I started the car the voice on the radio told me Martin Phillipps had passed away today. I cried all the way home, and then some.

What a life. What a loss.